Today I had my annual MRI and I felt scared, anxious and overwhelmed with all the emotions I was experiencing but mostly confused by them as i have endured far worst things in the last 3 years than a routine MRI.

This event today has made me reflect on my journey somewhat and I find myself wanting to share my thoughts by writing, which I find therapeutic.

Victorious, yet vulnerable

Cancer brings a wide range of emotions.

Completing treatment with no evidence of disease is definitely something to celebrate. It’s hard not to feel victorious to some degree. When I look back at what has been endured in order to get to this point. The heartbreaking decisions, surgical pain, and horrible sickness are over. The cancer is gone. However, the victorious emotions are coupled with unsettling feeling of vulnerability.

While dealing with the balance between feeling victorious and vulnerable, I found that it was common for me to feel irritated with my new reality “the new me”. Pairing this with chemo induced hormonal mood swings has made me one irritated girl at times.

I knew that my body could never be “the same” after being severely damaged by breast cancer treatment, but I felt like I could at least get close to returning to who I was, both physically and mental, before cancer. Impatiently I waited for the old me to return. Then I would be irritated by the new me. I think I felt at times bereaved about the loss of me before cancer.

After waiting impatiently for things to return to normal following my cancer treatment, I eventually came to terms with the fact that cancer has changed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The old me is gone and this sometimes makes me sad.

This followed with a feeling of guilt. Why would I feel sad about losing the old me when I should feel lucky to be alive.

I have watched close friends and family fight aggressive cancer; and a few have lost their battle. How can I honestly feel sad about being alive?? Survivors Guilt.

I now realise I am different in good ways, and bad. I now have a yearning for more time and more life. I just want to live and experience more in life.

As time passes it becomes easier to be optimistic and I feel that my experience was a speed bump in life. I feel relief that it’s all over but my relief comes with some reservations. A stronger, more resilient, more empathetic me has emerged. After cancer, one really does experience a wide range of emotions both negative and positive.

Cancer changed me. It sculpt me into someone who understands more deeply, hurts more often, appreciates more quickly, cries more easily, hopes more desperately, loves more openly, and lives more passionately.

Perhaps it’s time to write a new chapter in my book of gratitude?

Nothing compares to the therapy a horse can give xo