Recently I have turned to penning down the words to share some of my experiences I have encountered over the last couple of years (I’m no writer) its mostly to help me in the healing process. It is not intended for anyone to feel sorry for me, quite the opposite, as that then feeds my guilt.

Today I want to talk about Guilt…. why should I feel guilty for surviving?

One of the many feelings I have encountered since being diagnosed with Breast cancer is guilt. I started to experience this guilt when we lost 2 friends within 6months of each other during my treatment and today I have tragically lost my cousin Andrew to brain cancer.

When it was first suggested to me that I had survivors guilt I was like, what the heck is that?

Why would I be guilty that I survived for my children?

What I have learnt though, is that guilt is common after treatment for survivors.

On a basic level, survivor guilt is exactly what it sounds like: a sense of deep guilt that comes when one survives something.

I felt guilty that I had survived, when someone else had lost their battle. I also felt kind of like, I do not deserve to live when another person did not.

Sounds crazy I know but this is real for me.

I also learnt that some survivors guilt is rational and some is not. I felt a sense of guilt that defied all logic, I wasn’t to blame for things outside my control, but it was easier to blame than accept that I am helpless to help others with this disease.

Often when I shared I felt guilt for surviving, the response I would get is “don’t feel guilty”, which is frustrating.

It frustrated me I guess because I struggle to understand why I survived and why others haven’t and I felt I wasn’t worthy of survival in comparison to those that didn’t, if that makes sense, it’s kind of like a “ why me”.

I also felt relief and appreciation for my survival but simultaneously felt guilty and shame for having these feelings when others did not survive.

I began to learn that rational or irrational, survivors guilt was normal. That said, my hope is my survivor guilt does begin to resolve naturally over time. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming or obsessive, the guilt thoughts become so intrusive in your mind especially when someone you know is suffering.

I’m writing of my experience with guilt not for anyone to feel sorry for me or tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty but as writing and sharing it helps me understand my feelings.

Perhaps I will be able to raise awareness or to simply encourage others to talk with their family and use my survivors guilt experiences to help others.

Whether rational or irrational guilt is real.

That said in itself, i believe it isn’t a sign of unhealthy grief but probably part of the healing process.

To those we have lost – I will miss you forever like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies.

Others things I have learnt and am still learning are to be a little kinder to yourself daily.

Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend or family member. When you’re worn out and feeling stressed, do something to make yourself feel better.

What makes me feel better is a gentle, caring soul who empathises with my struggles (which I’m very fortunate to have people around me that do just that) so make a conscious effort to be your best friend.

Offer yourself support, just as you would others in their time of need.

It is powerful to stop and admit, life is difficult and to acknowledge how you feel.

No one is perfect. Denying or pushing away sad or negative feelings doesn’t make you better.

But most importantly I have learnt to nourish my soul and make time for the things I enjoy and not feel guilty about this either.

Xxx Forever grateful