For the last 6 months I have been asking Lily if she would like to give her hair a really good trim 10-15cm and the answers has been a definite NO.

Yesterday I was getting Lily ready for a play date with one of her friends and she decided she wanted to wear her hair out which she does during school holidays. We again had the very familiar conversation “do you want to get you hair cut” she gave me an adamant NO.

When our friends arrived they commented on how beautiful and long Lily’s hair was. As most of you know I have only recently grown hair back after losing it during chemotherapy for Breast Cancer.

After Lily left I started thinking OMG Lily’s hair has become her identity and she is very attached to her hair. Thoughts ran through my mind like I hope she never has to endure the emotions of losing it. This stirred up quite a few emotions for me as prior to starting chemo I cut my hair short in preparation for losing it. After my first chemo treatment my hair started to fall out in clumps and I had to ask Jason to shave it off for me. It was a very difficult day for me because as stupid as it sounds losing my hair felt worse than being told I had breast cancer. I felt like I was a shallow person as every time I looked in the mirror I truly hated what I could see. I thought losing my hair was bad, but I truly wasn’t prepared for the impact losing my eyebrows and eye lashes would have on me.

The sadness and grief I felt was then complicated by guilt: “I know I should be grateful to be alive, and I should focus on the fact that my treatment is working”.

Being unwell is one thing, but looking in the mirror and truly looking unwell is gut wrenching.

I learnt a lot about myself during my treatment. I learnt that my hair was part of my self image and femininity; and losing it affected myself confidence and the way I saw myself. Losing my hair also made my illness public; and because it is visible to others I found it one of the most distressing aspects of my treatment.

It was important to me that I talked to Lily and Lachlan about my hair loss; and let them know hair will always grow back.

Yesterday I realised that Lily’s hair has become her identity and I pray she never has to endure the pain or grief of losing it.

I am however very grateful to be here and have the opportunity to share a part of my journey with you all.